I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
