1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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