At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
