I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
