operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
