I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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