I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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