SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
