I can text with my tongue
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
