What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
