soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Even my vagina gasped.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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