based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We named our party play list daddy issues
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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