I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
