I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
