he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You ruined the universe
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
