HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
