two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
