her vagine was all disorganized.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
