Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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