White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
