wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
