I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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