I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
