Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
