Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
