She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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