I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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