So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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