New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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