Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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