Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
