Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
