Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm too high and old for this...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
