i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
