the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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