Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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