worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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