I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
