Your dad touched me again.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
