There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
