At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize