Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize