well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
