Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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