so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't turn off my feet"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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