in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
