Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
