Farmville is her only friend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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