she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
