You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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