She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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