The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
