I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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