So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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