he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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