He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
