I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
