2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
