Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize