Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
