11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
