Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize