I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
