I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
