come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
