In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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