We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
