I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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