you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
