i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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