i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
