Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How external is "for external use only"?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
